Aslan vs the Dark Kingdom
by Unwilling and Unsworn
Summary: [SMNarnia] This was born from sugar, crack, and the Narnia movie coupled with Jadeite's deathscream. The Japanese one. Anyway, Beryl is Jadis'little sister, and a favour has been called in...We own NOTHING.
1. Jadis and Beryl

**Unwilling: Allo! We watched Narnia the other day, and couldn't help laughing when I (Unwilling) quoted Jadeite as Jadis was about to kill Aslan. See if you can find the quote in this chapter. **

**Oh, and did you know that the talking griffin is my drama teacher?**

**Seriously.**

**Unsworn: ... Look, just be glad that we don't own anything. Capeesh? And, yes folks, that was the disclaimer.**

**Unwilling: Capeesh, captain!**

**Unsworn: ...**

* * *

Jadis, queen of Narnia (or so she'd like to think) was not in a good mood. For one thing, her realm had just been invaded by a bunch of kids. Christian kids. Sons of Adam. And Eve, who Jadis privately considered a slut.

Reaching for the high-tech phone she stole from Beelzebub in Eoin Colfer's the Wish List, she stared.

And stared. And jumped around, clucking like a chicken.

We joke. She stared even more.

She finally came to a very angsty conclusion, and pressed the cute little green 'talk' button.

**Elsewhere…**

"We are now the Knights who say: Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-ptang-zoo-boing-mumble-mumble!" Said a tall and thoroughly not frightening knight.

Whoops. **Another Elsewhere…**

"Qu—Queen Beryl-sama! AAA—"

The theme song to Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon rang out.

"Erm, Jeda-chan, could you hold on a second? I mean, there is no way you could do anything else, because you have no personality, and therefore, no brain. And, of course, that you're half frozen…" said a woman with an impossibly-low neckline on her dress.

Or boob-grabbers, or whatever.

The music continued, annoyingly loud.

With a loud sigh, Beryl checked the caller ID. "Beelzebub? I already told him I'm interested in Sam Linnfer! Hello, bastard?"

"I'll have you know that _our_ parents were married when they had me. Your father, however…"

Beryl blinked. Jadeite hesitantly said, "Er, Queen Beryl-sama, could you please unfreeze me? I …kinda need to go to the necessary…"

Beryl frowned. "Do I look like I have time to deal with you? Piss in the crystal!"

"I would, but, um, certain parts of my…anatomy…are frozen."

"Oh. Jadeite, tell me, how did we manage to raise a prude in the Dark Kingdom?"

"I think it has something to with my lack of personality, ma'am."

"Beryl! Are you _there_!"

"Oh. Jadeite, hang on a minute. Yes, Jadis-baka?"

"What did you just call me?"

"Oh, baka? It's a traditional Japanese honorific."

Jadeite stifled a snigger.

"I thought you had no personality?" Beryl snarled. In truth, she wasn't angry with him, but appearances had to be kept up.

"Just because I have no personality doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humour. I can laugh evilly, and say 'Queen Beryl will be most pleased.'" Jedite grinned.

Beryl stared at him, completely ignoring the phone in her hand from which various profanities in every language save Japanese were spewing. "What did you just call me?"

Jedite blinked, and turned back into Jadeite. "My apologies, Queen Beryl-sama."

"Don't worry about it. Just as long as you don't do it again."

She turned as she heard a very annoying _female_ laugh. Zoycite floated, playing with a rainbow crystal. "But turning into our dub versions is so much fun!" She laughed again, and disappeared in a cloud of cherry blossoms.

Beryl sighed and turned back to the phone, which was now emitting sounds of death and destruction. "Jadis-baka, I'm back. How did you get this number?"

"Oh, I borrowed Beelzebub's phone. He has all the numbers. Anyway, we're sisters, right? So we stick together."

Beryl gave the phone a blank look. "We stick together? You _killed _me!"

"Well, that's all over now, right? And Metallia saved you, so we should have no hard feelings, right?"

"Are you kidding! You _killed _me! As in as dead as Queen Serenity!"

"Who?"

"Don't worry. At any rate, I'm not helping you."

"But—"

"No buts."

"Well, I gave you a choice…"

Beryl knew that tone of voice. It was not a good tone of voice. Nor one that signified good luck for her. The last time she'd heard it, in fact, she had died.

Beryl blew up a low-ranking youma.

"Remember when we were younger and Mother read us that story about the evil sons of Adam and daughters of Eve and I got real scared and I wouldn't stop throwing up cuz I was scared?"

Beryl blinked, and remembered. "Oh, shit."

"I have the scroll. Get over here."

"How? And, pray tell, where are you?"

"Well, you take a right turn at the Time Gate, and then you—oh, who cares."

Beryl began to swear viciously when she noticed half her body dissipating in Jadis' teleportation signature of ice. She just had time to take the Shitennou with her (no sense in dying alone, after all) before Jadis' spell carried them away.

**In Narnia…**

A humongous ball of ice appeared before Jadis. "Wow," she mused, mumching on some shortbread. "Guess Beryl has really been piling on the kilos."

"Jadis!" Beryl screamed.

* * *

**... And, yes. We do know that we are crazy.**

**Review!**


	2. Ice, yaoi and Zoy!

**Unwilling: 'Allo!**

**Unsworn: I do not wish to be associated with this person…**

**Unwilling: I like Kamui's frog…**

**Unsworn: It's Fuuma's!**

**Unwilling: No, KAMUI'S! As in, the demented evil one?**

**Unsworn: Sugar is BAD. For you. Not for me. (munches on stick of sugar).**

**Unwilling: (coughSmokingKillscough)**

**Unsworn: (turns sugar stick into shinken and rushes Unwilling) So, anyway (stabbystabby) nothing belongs to us. **

**Unwilling: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Heals herself with Mary-Sue-ish powers) BWAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Unsworn: … read on!**

* * *

"Right," Beryl said. "You want my _elite_ Shitennou, the scourge of everything that lives, to take on four kids?"

Zoisite coughed. "Queen Beryl-sama, the _Sailor Senshi_ were four—no, one, two, three…"

Nephrite groaned. "There were eight." he stated.

Zoisite conjured a shard of ice and aimed it at Nephrite's hair.

Staring at the ice shard, Jadis said, "pretty…"

Zoisite's eyes gleamed. So did Kunzite's. Just because he was telling Unwilling that he needed something to do.

So, anyway, Zoisite, Kunzite and Jadis went off into a corner to discuss ice. And Beryl slammed her head into the wall.

Nephrite somehow conjured a bottle of wine/lemonade and sculled it. Yes, the whole thing. Don't ask us how he's still standing…

Jadeite backed away cautiously, and went off to examine the pretty statues.

* * *

Outside Aslan's pavilion/tenty thing, a man teleported in with a shower of sakura petals.

The man blinked, and changed into a flat-chested woman. "Right… so, is this where I'm meant to be?" Zoycite pulled out a piece of paper.

"Pavilion/tenty thing: check. Great big dirty lion: check. Crowds of random centaurs: how am I supposed to know what a centaur is? Crowds of random man-horse thingies: check. Yup, this is the place!"

Walking towards the pavilion/tenty thing, Zoycite crashed into a boy. He was blond. Naturally, this made Zoycite suspicious. Blonds tended to be stupid—see Jedite. Zoycite herself was the only exception.

"Oh," said the boy, in a terribly English accent that made her wince, "I'm terribly sorry about that. Bloody armour. I'm still getting used to it. I'm Peter, by the way, a Son of Adam."

"Er, pleased to meet you…" Zoycite said, enjoying her chance to use her well-practised English accent.

It was Peter's turn to wince. Just because it was well-practiced didn't mean it was good.

"So, who are you?"

"Wha—oh, I'm Zoi—Zoycite. I'm here to ki—wait, _see _Aslan."

By now, anyone with half a brain would have been suspicious. Peter, however, thought she was the best thing since smoked kippers.

"Aslan's just in his pavilion. Would you like me to introduce you? Aslan and I are very close, you know…"

Zoycite's forehead furrowed. "You mean like, yaoi? But is that even anatomically possible?"

Peter frowned, and thought about what she'd just said. Unable to think of an answer, he gestured a still-curious Zoycite into the pavilion/tenty thing.

* * *

Aslan was cleaning his paws when he was interrupted by a knock on the pavilion door, er, cloth. Fortunately he had good hearing, and Peter had shouted, "Oy, Aslan, wake up! Visitors! Well, visitor…"

Aslan padded over to the door, er, cloth.

Peter and a _very _flat-chested woman stood there. Aslan blinked.

"Peter, would you introduce us?"

"Oh right. Zoi—Zoycite, this is Aslan; the one you wanted to ki—er, see."

"Cool," Zoycite said, in the same awful English accent. "So, are you two _together_? Cuz, you know, in a past life _I _was a guy with a guy, so I know how you feel…"

Aslan Looked at Peter. Peter flushed.

"Now, um, Peter. Would you mind leaving Aslan and I alone to discuss something?"

Peter, glad for an excuse to rub his meeting with Zoycite in Edmund's face, left in a hurry.

Zoycite grinned as she watched him leave, and produced an ice crystal from her non-existant bust. She advanced upon Aslan with her trademark evil laugh…

**

* * *

Unwilling: KAMUI!**

**Unsworn: …is a whiny little brat?**

**Unwilling: Has a cool frog!**

**Unsworn: Get over the goddamned frog!**

**Unwilling: Daehgems. Anyway, don't you love the cliffy?**

**Unsworn: What cliffy? Oh, you mean Zoy and Aslan? (blinks) Like I said, what cliffy?**

**Unwilling: Baka.**

**Unsworn: (produces shinken again) Stabbystabby!**

**Unwilling: (produces hordes of evil, undead Mary-Sues) ATTACK!**

**U&U: Review!**

**Unsworn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Arya!**

**Unwilling: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! **


End file.
